Joke #14011

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Paddy and Murphy were doing a crossword. Paddy asks, "How do you spell paint"? Murphy replies, "What color?"

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor head. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor: THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey? Regards, Alan.

I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.

Q: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? A: Wrap music!

Q: Wanna know the biggest lie my dad ever told me? A: I'll be back.

I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

On Halloween, children give Chuck Norris candy.

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.