"Today, I saw a homeless men living in a tyre. So I did good deed and punctured it."
"How is that a good deed?"
"He is now living in a flat."
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A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The goal of life is living in agreement with Chuck Norris.
Vote:
What are the three rules for being a plumber?
1. Hot water is always on the left.
2. Shit doesn't flow uphill
3. Never chew your fingernails.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
Vote:
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?
A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
Vote:
Things our family enjoys together without anyone complaining:
1.
I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine.
But I need a line to end it.