I went to the seaside yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign which said "Lobster tails £1".
I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."
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A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
"Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."
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Q: What do gay horses eat?
A: Hay.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.
What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios? Donut Seeds.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."
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The world is like a jar of jelly beans.
Everybody hates the black ones.
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
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A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries.
"Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk.
If you want it harder, you say tomato.
If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"