I went to the seaside yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign which said "Lobster tails £1".
I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."
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Signs You're No Longer in College...
You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
Your potted plants stay alive.
You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
You attend parties that the police don't raid.
You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
You refer to college students as "those kids."
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
Naps are no longer weekday options.
Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
Chuck Norris does not eat.
Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
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Chuck Norris can make a pound cake with only an ounce.
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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?
Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
When Chuck Norris bakes cookies for his enemies, he adds his own secret ingredient to make a special taste to it. Its called "defeat".
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought a ribbed condom was soul food.
When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!
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