A: "What is your biggest fear?"
B: "Being forgotten, what's yours?"
B: "Hello"
B: "?"
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Your Moma is so fat the only words she knows is the universe.
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Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement"
Me: "Thank you."
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Paddy and Murphy were doing a crossword.
Paddy asks, "How do you spell paint"?
Murphy replies, "What color?"
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Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:
Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"
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Q: What do you call fake spaghetti?
A: "I'm pasta."
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I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade.
Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another
wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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During a conversation regarding new potential Johny's job:
"Johny, tell us and what is your weak feature?"
Johny: "Openness!"
Interviewer: "But the openness isn't a weak feature!"
Johny: "Ok, but I fuck what you think!"
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One dinosaur said, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Another dinosaur said "A non-renewable recourse!"
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My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
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