Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
What's gross? Farting in the bathtub. What's grosser than that? Catching the bubbles with your teeth.
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..." The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"
Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends? A: He plays with Pooh.
Q: What's brown and in the military? A: Gomer's pile.
Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom, "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talkng about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"
Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other? A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit? A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game? A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.