A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.
She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.
Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard.
"Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No.
Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry.
But no.
Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course.
What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"
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This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
A doctor is speaking to a patient after an examination, ‘There are two reasons for your poor health, it’s entirely due to drinking and smoking.’
‘That’s a relief,’ replies the patient.
‘I thought you were going to say it was my fault.’
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "you ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
Patrick left the pub after having too much to drink.
He was taking the underground home.
As he started to get on the escalator, he read the sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’
He shouted, ‘Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?’
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"
Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, "Why the postman?"
"Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box."
I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
A leprechaun walks into a bar.
After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs.
The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again.
This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
"All right, I've got you this time.
I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"
The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" asks his captor.
"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."
"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?"
"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation.
Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
Valentines Slogans
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!