Joke #4290

He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.

Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea? He drowned in his teepee!

Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can’t say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can’t either.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked: "Now, bring on your cat!"

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

He’s donating his body to science. And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.." The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?" The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window.. The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death. The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman.

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!

Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"

A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."