If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
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Q: What did the fool do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He Married Her
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Q: What is the definition of "accountant"?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
Q: How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?
A: The Mexicans start buying car insurance.
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
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A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut.
After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.
"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer.
Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides.
When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note.
Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot.
The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
