Joke #1579

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already." Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?" Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't flog a dead horse!" Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece and made a profit of £2495." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."

I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money.

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch. "S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

Your so poor, I stepped in your house and stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, "Who turned of the lights".

Yo' Mama is like a bus: she's big, she stinks, and it's only a dollar to ride.

A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint. "Give me all your money", he says. The muggee isindignant. "You can't do this," he yells. "I'm anIRS agent." "In that case," says the mugger, "give me all MY money."

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" "That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied. 'I lost it down the road.' 'Why don't you look for it there?' 'Because the light's better here!'

Q: Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections? A: Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!

Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa.