Joke #1725

Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean!
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has 21.85 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: alcohol

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Q: What's the best way of investing your money? A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
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has 76.89 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, money
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
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has 44.13 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, life, old people, women
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
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has 39.32 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? needed a stiff drink.
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila
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has 56.50 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar. He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer. He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk. Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.' So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool. The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
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has 62.50 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
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has 30.41 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
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has 64.93 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, food, kids, ugly
A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman. ‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman. ‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
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has 30.41 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have, pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
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has 22.70 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol