There was a man who had at least four to five drinks of whisky every day of his adult life.
When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!
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A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain.
The bartender asks
the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain
around?
The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these
things!!"
A neutron walks into a bar.
"Id like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Yo mama so scary, every time someone throws shots, she calls the police.
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining
it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top
of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need
a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”
The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery
was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.
A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.
She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes!
Where the hell did they come from?”
The surgeon looked at her closely and said,
“Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes.
Those are your breasts.
And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made all the appetisers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover!
NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in Perth!"
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.