Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
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They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low."
"Pick up bread. We be back."
Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
‘I’ve found the secret of eternal youth.
I lie about my age.’
Bob Hope How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Originally it was called 'Chuck Norris Mode' but he decided to let god have that one because Chuck Norris is humble like that.
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My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
A: Cheez Whuz.
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
By tradition, fathers wear a red flower on Father's Day, if their father is alive and a white flower if he's dead.
And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower - which means they are living but wish they were dead.
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