Joke #1776

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!
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has 38.22 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: food

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I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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has 66.38 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: food, Halloween, ugly, wife
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.
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has 42.25 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, food
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
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has 72.04 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, food, math
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
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has 84.69 % from 1136 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, food, marriage, wedding, work
Yo' Mama is so fat, she tried to eat her chicken pox.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: animal, fat, food, Yo mama
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
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has 74.89 % from 123 votes. More jokes about: beauty, desert island, dog, food, men
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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has 76.22 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: doctor, food, life
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
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has 45.33 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: dirty, food
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
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has 80.20 % from 175 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, god, hunting, religious
Q: Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road? A: To go with the traffic jam!
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has 69.19 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: car, food, women