Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together! 
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This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary.
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet.
He opens the freezer door.
The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"
What’s the difference between a nigger and a pizza?
Pizza doesn’t scream in the roaster!
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Chuck Norris can turn toast back into bread.
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Some people like to eat frogs' legs.
Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.
Hence, snakes.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!
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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"
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