Question: How is a woman like a laxative?
Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why was the name "P.M.S." chosen ?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken...
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."
"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."
An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
I've got a new anorexic girlfriend.
Its not going too well though.
I'm just seeing less and less of her ...
Q: What do you call a blonde chick standing on her head?
A: A brunette.
A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.
She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, "Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?"
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them.
She says, "You sure he isn’t here?"
The bartender mumbles through her fingers, "Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?"
The woman then says, "Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!"