A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches." But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
Sign over a pub bar: ‘Due to the recent water shortage, beer will now be served at full strength.’
The manager of the liquor store gets a phone call at 8 pm. "At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller. "At nine," he answered. The phone rings at midnight "What time do you open ... in the morning?" "At nine". The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?" "I told you before at nine". "Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite."