Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.
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The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
I'm a wine enthusiast.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.
A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man "I pulled your mum just now!" the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.
About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again.
This time he said: "Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed" again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.
Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man: "I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible."
Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said "Go home dad, you're drunk."
"Agent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk.
Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"So what’s your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
Yo mama so fat she died.
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."