Joke #1907

Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch? Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?" So I did... I don't remember much after that.

Q: How are women and a hurricane alike? A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.

What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago". He swallowed hard. Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality. "Really," he gulped,"like what?" "Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Um, Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Q: Why shouldn't girls wear skirts in winter? A: Because their lips will get chapped!

A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.