Confucius say, man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
Question: Why do men fart more than women?
Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A: A love call.
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.
Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line.
So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them."
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table.
Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time.
As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart.
The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down.
"Great!" he thought.
"They really think it's the dog!"
So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room.
The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
Things Your Wife Won't Say:
The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.
I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.
God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.
Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
Awesome fart! Do another one!
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants a man to satisfy their every little need.
A man wants all the women to satisfy their one and only little need.
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.