A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long?
Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break!
You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
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Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.
Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower..."
"A rose?" asked Red.
"Yeah, that's it!"
Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
Q: How do you know when an Asian robs your house?
A: Your technology has been upgraded, your homework is finished, but he's still trying to back out of your drive way.
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A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans.
Sure enough, he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish.
He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, woven into the very fabric of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"Okay", the guy says. "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blowjob I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading - just because she likes it, because she wants to, and because it turns her on."
The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again!
Teacher: “Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence.
How many would be left?”
Boy: “None.”
Teacher: “None? You don’t know your arithmetic!”
Boy: “Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”
Ramu: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Ramu: Your name on this report card.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.
I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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