Why did the frog cross the road?
To see what the chicken was doing.
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Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
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Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
What's an octopuses favourite latin saying?
Squid pro quo.
Why did the spider buy a car?
So he could take it out for a spin!
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case.
What is a cow's favourite TV show?
Dr Moo.
A man is walking through a park when he steps in a pile of dog mess.
He pauses to wipe his shoe on the grass and sees another man step into the same pile.
‘I just did that,’ says the man, so the other man rubs his nose in it.
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here.
Hm.
How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."