A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset.
His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes.
Bought things from the shop.
The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet.
Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around.
"We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out.
"Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks.
The centipede got to work straight away.
"Go and run a bath for me.“
The centipede did as asked once again.
The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please.“
The centipede does this.
An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"
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Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold.
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?
Ride on the roller cowster.
What do you call fish poop?
BassTurds!
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his ass with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man bent down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fart", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."
Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit?
A: Curly hare.
How do you tell if a black girls pregnant?
Shove a banana up her vagina and if you pull it out half eaten then you got a monkey on the way.
Vote:
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.
The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."