Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight!
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats". On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Good: Your daughter has got a new job. Bad: As a call girl. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very ugly: She makes more money than you.
‘I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said “No”.’ Woody Allen
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich." So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!" Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
My wife and I really love bondage. She loves it because she's a kinky bitch. I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A. They don't have time.
Programming is like sex One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’ Rodney Dangerfield