Joke #2506

A cop asks a nigger: Can you legitimate yourself? Is this because I’m black?

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, "You buyin'?"

A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you." "In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.” The giant nodded. “If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?” Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. “I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled. “Are you sure?” the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.” “In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”

Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head. "What did you do that for?" the driver asked. "I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car." The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head. "What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger. "Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"

A sargeant bawled out a rookie. "Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?" "Yep," the rookie answered. "I think he must have left by one of the entrances!

A policeman arrested two kids on bonfire night. One for drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. He charged one and let the other one off.