A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
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What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They're both out looking for a tight seal.
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Q:How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A:He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please."
"Did you bring a container for this? "
"You're speaking to it."
2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have.
The first one says he'll have H2O.
The second one said he'll have H2O too.
The second one died.
The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day!
It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’
‘Sure,’ says the barman.
‘No hassle.’