Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00." The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. “My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.