I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
"Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made."
"What’s wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks.
This beautiful lady sits down next to him.
He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it.
You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."
She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
Q: Why do fat, ugly women give the best blow jobs?
A: Because they have to!
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that.
You go right up there and tell him off.
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A guy asks a Chinese lady for her phone number she says, "Free, sex, free, sex, tonight."
The guy said," wow" and her friend says she means 363629.
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a naked women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him. The boy asked "Why did u run away?"
The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women i'd turn to stone, i already felt something getting getting hard."
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Q: Why did God create women?
A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."