A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. The woman replied, snorting pepper.
Q: How do you wake up Lady gaga? A: Poke her face.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason. The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig? Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband." The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?" "No that dirty."
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend? A: Carbon.