A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?
Is it my face?”
“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”
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An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.
" The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.
Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Vote:
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: "You were speeding."
Man: "No, I wasn’t."
Officer: "Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket."
Man: "But I wasn’t speeding."
Officer: "Tell that to the judge!"
(The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?"
Officer: "Yes, you would."
Man: "What if I just thought that you were?"
Officer: "I can’t give you a ticket for what you think."
Man: "Fine, I think you’re a jerk!"
Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!
A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"
The drunk man, "What drugs?"