Joke #2648

Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.” “But we’s privates,” protests Junior. “NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.” “But, we’s privates,” says Junior. “You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!” So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.” Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.” Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!” “Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!
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A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!" His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face. The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor. At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent... waiting. Eventually, the Professor came to. When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row. "What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?" The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."
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The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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‘What were you in civilian life, soldier?’ ‘Happy, sir.’
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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
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Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
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What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation: 1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate. 2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?" 3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence." 4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can. 5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence. 6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence. 7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time. 8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
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There was a man who just got out of the army. He was really horny and only had $5, so he went to a whore house. He told the women, "Gimme anything you got." So then he is having sex with this women and says "Gosh, you're really rough inside." She says "Hold on" and she goes to the bathroom. 10 minutes later she comes back and they start to do it again. He says "Now you're really smooth. What happened?" She says, "I picked off all the scabs."
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It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people. There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can. After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath. The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?" Then the soldier says "NO, SIR." The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!" The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, "DID THAT HURT?" The soldier responds, "NO, SIR." And the colonel says "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!" The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound. The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?" And the soldier says "NO, SIR." Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
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During the Iraq war, a Lieutenant asked the soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle, "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
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