I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance
she leaned over and pushed me.
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Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."
Wife: "Honey let's play a game?"
Husband: "Ok, what is the game all about?"
Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."
Husband: "Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?"
Wife: (smile) "Yes darling."
Husband: "Ok" (stood up and was ready to run to any direction)
Wife: "Are u ready?"
Husband: "Yes, ready."
Wife: "Turkey"
It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.
He was so poor all he had to wear as a boy were hand-me-downs.
The real shame was that he had five older sisters.
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
Q: What is the definition of "accountant"?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
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Yo' Mama is so poor, when you ring her doorbell, she sticks her head out the window and yells, "DING DONG!"