I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance
she leaned over and pushed me.
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The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another.
The elephants were connected trunk to tail.
They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000.
B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
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An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."
The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you."
The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."
The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
"What about your third wish?" asks the genie.
"Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars."
The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
"What's wrong?" asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist."
Q: Why don't you ask Yoda for money?
A: He is always a little to short.
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A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady!
Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am.
I'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
The newest therapy for healing the states of depression is so-called decapitation.
It costs only 100 dollars but 50 dollars pays the health insurance company.
The operation will be made only once and you will never feel depressive.
I had also luck and I also gave an order to this kind of therapy.
I wish well to myself.
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"