Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits!
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin." The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin." At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!
Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaraunt.
What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly.
‘If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?’ Steven Wright
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Q: Why do economists exist? A: So accountants have someone to laugh at.
Many people get valuable furniture on hire purchase, it’s not that expensive when they buy it, but by the time it’s paid for they’re usually antiques.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.