An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”) As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over 10. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time. 9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light. 8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy? 7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers. 6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again. 5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes. 4. You're not going to search my trunk are you? 3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration? 2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven. 1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?
A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!
My wife and I have our little fights. We had a fight last week. Nothing much, only two police cars.
At a poor-side of Athens, a kid were on the street and was playing. A cop who was crossing around that street, saw him and asked him: "What are you doing there kiddo?" "I’m playing..." "What are you playing?" "Oh, well... I collect sand, I pour some water in and I add then some poop and I’m making little weaklings!" "What kind of weaklings?" "Cops..." The cop, furious, slaps the kid and screams: "Get the hell away from here and run to your house! I never wanna see you wondering around here." For the next two days, the kid didn’t show up. The third day, the kid was on the same spot, playing. The cop, saw him again and approached the kid. "What are you doing there?" "I’m playing..." "What?" "Oh, well... I collect sand, then pour some water in and I’m making little weaklings." "Congratulations! enthusiastic said the cop. And what kind of weaklings you’re making there?" "Firefighters...!" "So, how come you’re not putting any poop on them as well?" "Cause, whenever I do, they come out cops...!"
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!
A boy speeding on road. Guard stops him and ask, "Did you see the speed limit sign?" The boy says, "Yea, I just didnt see you."
Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial. The note said: “Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.” The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way. The judge made a noise. “I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said. The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.