Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.
They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you naked?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it.
The woman replied, snorting pepper.
A Girl was towelling her wet pussy.
She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...
...the pussy cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral Lessons
1. Be kind to Animals
2. Always keep your thoughts clean...
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Q: What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?
A: Women!
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
Vote:
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end…
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."