What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
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What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."
"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
I've got a new anorexic girlfriend.
Its not going too well though.
I'm just seeing less and less of her ...
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful!
But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!
What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."
Q: How big is a Republican-size bed?
A: Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.
Vote:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.