The English teacher’s husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed.
He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.”
She bolted upright,
pointed her finger and corrected him, “No.
I am surprised.
You are astonished.”
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent.
You could have heard a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by.
Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face.
The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.
At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently.
The class fell silent... waiting.
Eventually, the Professor came to.
When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row.
"What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?"
The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."
Vote:
Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying.
When his mother ask why he replays.
"The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that."
Mom says "cause u black and they white."
Next day Tyrone is crying again .
"What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask.
Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that."
Mom says "cause u black and they white."
Next day he comes home smiling.
"What happened today Tyrone?"
Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white."
Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."
Vote:
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
After twelve years of carrying books to school, you're well prepared for a career in backpacking.
Vote:
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you call a bunch of niggers in a school bus?
A rotten banana.