The English teacher’s husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed.
He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.”
She bolted upright,
pointed her finger and corrected him, “No.
I am surprised.
You are astonished.”
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
One day in class, the teacher says:
"Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?"
"Simple Lost tense!"
In school, we had to do a skit demonstrating key concepts of the English language.
My skit on the "diphthong" clearly demonstrated that the string micro-bikini was not a wise choice.
Vote:
Q: How did the pirate get through School?
A: By sailing on high C's.
Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?
Pupil: I don’t know, nobody I know owns one!
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class,
"Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...
After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"
Vote:
A boy washed with his mum in the bathroom and saw her vagina and asks:
"what the hell is this".
"It is called a cave" replied the mother.
The next day he washed with his father and saw his dick and asks
"what the heck is this".
"This is called little Johnny".
The next day he went to school and his teacher was mad that he came late to school so she told him to sing a song.
He started to sing
"when the black clouds came out of the mountain little Johnny ran into the cave."
One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious; "What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."