One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy"
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A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!
The manager of the liquor store gets a phone call at 8 pm.
"At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller.
"At nine," he answered. The phone rings at midnight
"What time do you open ... in the morning?" "At nine".
The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?"
"I told you before at nine".
"Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite."
He doesn’t like to drink.
It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
Q: What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?
A: Gimme a slug of whiskey.
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree.
The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there.
So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, "I just got stoned with my pal the monkey."
"Really" said the croc, "where is he I want some."
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said "holy shit how much did you drink little buddy."
The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin.
The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’
A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."