When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender.
‘He knows when to stop.’
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
Two girls were comparing boyfriends.
"Mine's the best," said the first.
"I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"
"Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"
Man walks into a bar and sits next to another customer.
Bartender comes over and says to the new customer, "what can I get you?"
Customer says "bourbon and coke."
Bartender looks at first customer and says another "beer Jackass?"
He says nods his head yes.
10 minutes later bartender comes back to check to see if customer wants another bourbon and coke and customer says "sure."
Bartender looks at first customer and says "another beer Jackass?"
And customer nods yes.
Bourbon and coke customer says to beer customer, "Man you are the customer, don't le t that bartender talk to you like that."
Beer customer says "it's ok he al, he al, He always calls me that!"
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Joke has 56.65 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, communication, customer service, vulgar
There was this guy, let's call him bob.
One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go.
So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!"
Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet.
He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?"
and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey!
I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?
I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"