Joke #2828

You know what I was thinking about right now? What it would be like to have six fingers....high fives would be different.

I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup. “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” "Do you want a room with or without a view?"

"Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter. To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life.

Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? A: Cheez Whuz.

Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."

Yesterday I tried to catch fog. Mist.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

There’s one good thing about life. It’s only temporary.

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss. The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?" The man says "I'm probably too honest." The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality." The man replies, "I don't give a shttp://unijokes.com/admin/h*t what you think!"