Joke #2828

You know what I was thinking about right now? What it would be like to have six fingers....high fives would be different.

Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.

"What are you doing there?" "I'm making something." "What are you making?" "A bomb." "Can I help?" "Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" came the reply

Q:Why is a doctor always calm. A: Because it has a lot of patients.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup. “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” "Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Recently, I've been using the Bible for support. I've got a wobbly coffee table.

A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church. He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?" "Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins!" "Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sex!" And the boys unanimously: "You won, Father!"

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."