The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.
The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.
The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL.
It's out in the garden behind the garage.
Vote:
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.