Joke #2829

The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.

Originally it was called 'Chuck Norris Mode' but he decided to let god have that one because Chuck Norris is humble like that.

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says: "Haha nice one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying." The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."

Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.

Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.