The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
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Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal."
Patient: "Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home."
Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco...
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Q: What is height of forgetfulness?
A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...
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One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish?
Kim: I..
*Kanye grabs mic*
Kanye: She do.
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks?
You have pressure when your wife is pregnant.
You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant.
You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!