Joke #2851

Two drunk Americans were speeding down a deserted road in the Philippines Drunk1: Are there any penguins in the tropics? Drunk2: I don't think so. Drunk1: Then I think we just squished a nun!

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you". She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" I said, "It's me...I'm talking to the beer"!

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen." The guy asks" Eileen who?

A white horse goes into a bar, and orders a pint of bitter. "Blimey," the barman says, "we sell a whisky named after you." "What, Eric?" says the horse.

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

A:I have the perfect son. Q:Does he smoke? A:No, he doesn't. Q:Does he drink whiskey? A:No, he doesn't. Q:Does he ever come home late? A:No, he doesn't. Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.

What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'

The Perfect Man At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. The man responded, " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern. The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink." The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.." The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !". The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?" "No..." said the Pollack, "...but my sister has ..."