Joke #2914

The United States Army will be making a new movie... They'll be shooting in Iraq!
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What do you call 35,000 men with their hands up? "Iraqi Army."
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A private was brought up before the unit CO for some offence. ‘You can take your choice, Private – one month’s restriction or twenty days’ pay,’ said the officer. ‘All right, sir,’ said the bright soldier, ‘I’ll take the money.’
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Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.
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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said, "Just do it!" The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls." The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
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This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider. "Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors." The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly." "Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
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It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
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Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.
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Three grandsons of ex Army Men were boasting about their grandfathers. "My great grandfather," one declared proudly, "made the army proud by joining the army at the age of 12." "Mine," boasts another, "got 12 bravery medals." "He was the only soldier in my family," confessed the third one, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 152 years old."
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