Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
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One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Why did the mobster put his money in the freezer?
He liked cold hard cash!
Q: How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?
A: The Mexicans start buying car insurance.
Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
I would have five dollars...
You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...
You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...
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How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street.
Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft?
A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
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Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions? Sure.
Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.