‘Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.’
Rita Rudner
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
How do you hide your money from a mexican?
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?
A fifty-dollar bill.
A guy walks into a tavern.
As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
I wouldn’t say that inflation is making my life difficult, but I’m now starving on an income I used to dream about.
A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"