Joke #3006

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- " The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!! Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!

They say whisky and petrol don’t mix. They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.

So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”. The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a beer.” So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?” The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another beer.” So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp” The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another beer.” The man says “Oh, Okay!” The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out! The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?” The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. “What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!” And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can. The bartender asks, "my goodness, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have." The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?" The guy responds, "Only one Dollar."

Champions eat Wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats Champions for breakfast.

A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." "What are the three tests?" asks the man "Gotta pay first." So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar. "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!" The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs. He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how the hell did she do that?"