Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin.
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A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.
Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.
"You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They're both out looking for a tight seal.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight beers.
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."