Joke #4581

Patrick left the pub after having too much to drink. He was taking the underground home. As he started to get on the escalator, he read the sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’ He shouted, ‘Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?’
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has 51.34 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol

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An English man, Irishman and a Scotch man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free”. Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottish man says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.” Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag” The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”
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A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink. "Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something." "Dad you don´t mea-" "Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son. "Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored." "Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
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I can tell when my wife drinks. Her face gets blurred.
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My wife's face is green. The room is now pink. I think she yelled at me, "That's your 21st drink!"
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Q. How many night club bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs? A. None! He fell.
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has 23.03 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
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has 77.88 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, life, religious
A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, No”, he replies. Can you get him for me I need to speak to him. She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do? “Yes, there is”. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'
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A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
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has 69.34 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
Vodka won't solve your problems but it's worth a shot.
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has 72.71 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol