Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
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America doesn't need a military...
We've got Chuck Norris
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Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.
Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"
An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see."
Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke.
"Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?
In Iraq.
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right!
All you dummies fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”
Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: The captain was sitting on the deck.
Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?
When she spread her legs he saw bush.
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