Joke #3056

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around? The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!"

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread.

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

A fellow walks into a bar feeling very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?" The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I'd like to have a shot of Gin." The bartender decides to have some fun with him. So the bartender says "All right, what kind of gin would you like?" The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kind of gin?" Bartender says "Sure. You've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen." The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well, did you know there are three kinds of turds?" Bartender says "What do you mean three kinds of turds?" Trucker says "Well, you've got Mustard, Custard, and you, you big shit. Now give me my gin."

Two protons walk into the bar and run into each other. One of them falls down. "Are you OK?" asks the other. "I think so," says the proton. "You sure?" the other asks. "Yeah," says the proton..."I'm positive."

Sign over a pub bar: ‘Due to the recent water shortage, beer will now be served at full strength.’

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

A neutron walks into a bar. "Id like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."