Joke #3113

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? A: They need a map....

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke: "OK, chief, but why so much?" At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

At a Barrack, the commander calls the captain: "Take as many soldiers you need and start building additional toilets. The number of the people in need has increased!" "I would suggest, sir, instead of building more toilets, maybe we should hire a new cook!"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar? He got bombed.

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap... The Army is still looking for him.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Did you hear about the gay French General? He blew Napoleon's Bonaparte!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier? "Chronic syphilis, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"