A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
How does the LAPD play poker? Four clubs beat a king.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Microsoft Office doesn't correct Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris correct Microsoft Office.
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
Caitlin Jenner and her chauffer were parked on a highway. When a policeman pulled up and asked "What's going on?" The driver said "I blew my tranny." The cop didn't know if he should arrest them for indecent exposure or call AAA.
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."