A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school." "How much special?" "Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A blonde is driving a helicopter and it crashes. When the police come and ask the blond what happened she says, "I got cold so I turned off the big fan!"
A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?" I said, "No." He said, "Stick 'em up!"
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."
A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.
When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?
How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to do it and 5 to smash the old bulb to smithereens.